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von Maik, 2010-06-11, 01:44  like dislike  Spam?  79.238.246....
Bin grad an nen kleine Text drane....könnten ihr mal bitte die Grammatik kontrollieren bzw. kleinere Fehler korrigieren.

There is no hope left
We are going straight to hell
But it cannot be the way
The certain death of ourselves


From your dream and leave the
sinking ship
Push away your onus or you
are drowning pathetically

THX Maik
"onus" - you can't be serious... I suggest "burden"   #523847
von Baccalaureus (DE), 2010-06-11, 01:46  like dislike  Spam?  
The grammar is okay.
von Maik, 2010-06-11, 01:49  like dislike  Spam?  79.238.246....
Push away your burden or you are drowning pathetically.
von Maik, 2010-06-11, 02:10  like dislike  Spam?  79.238.245...
if anyone has a another suggestion for the whole text...then Fire away!!!!

THX Baccalaureus
a far-out suggestion regarding "onus"  #523854
von Badger (US), 2010-06-11, 04:27  like dislike  Spam?  
Seems to me there's a distant chance that onus is a mistake or deliberate pun on anus -- in other words, "Push away your onus" = "get your ass out of here". I wouldn't even make the suggestion, except that it fits with the tone of the passage, and the meaning would be OK.
You Can Ponder Perpetual Motion  #523870
anonymous, 2010-06-11, 08:50  like dislike  Spam?  76.200.143...
My favorite line is: Hitch a ride to the end of the highway where the neon turns to wood

"Up Around The Bend" - Credence Clearwater Revival

There's a place up ahead and I'm goin' just as fast as my feet can fly
Come away, come away if you're goin', leave the sinkin' ship behind.

Come on the risin' wind, we're goin' up around the bend.

Bring a song and a smile for the banjo, better get while the gettin's good,
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway where the neon turns to wood.


You can ponder perpetual motion, fix your mind on a crystal day,
Always time for a good conversation, there's an ear for what you say.


Catch a ride to the end of the highway and we'll meet by the big red tree,
There's a place up ahead and I'm goin', come along, come along with me.


Do do doo do...
von Maik, 2010-06-11, 11:43  like dislike  Spam?  79.238.245...
THx a lot....I mean with the line "Push away your burden or you are drowing pathetically" -----> if people don't stop to act like idiots (for example war, pollution,  and so on) they are going to kill themself (e.g. the third world war)

I hope you understand what I mean....these line should be the refrain of a song....the style of Music is Metal/Hardcore

Greets Maik
The certain death of ourselves isn't English.  #523891
von Lllama (GB/AT), 2010-06-11, 12:11  like dislike  Spam?  
Our certain death would be right but doesn't have the same number of syllables, unfortunately.
von Maik, 2010-06-11, 12:24  like dislike  Spam?  79.238.245...
how could I describe "our certain death" in other words....
Or with the same number of syllables - leading to our certain death.  #523900
von Lllama (GB/AT), 2010-06-11, 13:09  like dislike  Spam?  
von Maik, 2010-06-11, 19:23  like dislike  Spam?  79.238.245...
okay....leading to our certain death is super...thx...

greets Maik

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